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aaaaagggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Why the FUCK am i doing this why the HELL didn't I listen to the warnings why, why, WHY is my supervisor allowed to continue supervising given their overall crapness.

Why am I so stupid as to do a useless goddamn phd in a lousy department to begin with?

I am about ten fucking seconds from just seeing how much in lab supplies and copper wiring I can take with me as I leave Podunk U in my dust.

But it pays the rent, and no one is hiring dropouts.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Gah.

The junior WiSET talk about sex/discrimination

So I mention at a party (did I say I went to a party in another city to get away from it all? most relaxing, I recommend it) that I am PhD-ing. The following conversation ensues. J is a female undergraduate in engineering, and the 1st sentence is her primary response.

J: So is it mostly men in your lab? Is there much discrimination?
A: Oh yeah! Well, actually it varies. All the techs and 9 in 10 of PhD students are female, post-docs about 50/50, but PIs and above are all male. I can't work it out - it might be just time-lag. On the other hand, of the post-docs who are leaving soon, the male one is going to a PI position and the female ones are leaving research science for [publishing].
J: Yeah, in my course it's like 50/50 at undergrad but all the PhDs and lecturers are male.
A: Do you ever get the feeling that male students...
J:... get a bit more attention?
A: Yeah. Our one male PhD student is like his PI's golden boy, and the rest of us mostly just see post docs. (A/N and in my case, lab protocols scrounged off the internet. Thanks, Protocol Online!)
J: Yeah, I get that a lot. It's the same for us in lab pracs. Screw them, I'm going into [service-related subfield]. Want some cheesecake?
A: Oh man, that looks AWESOME. Look at the rasberries.

It's so nice to have a geographically universal topic for parties.

Wait.

I think what I meant to say was;

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

NNNNNNNNNNNNNUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHGHG

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWL



HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWL


HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLL

Contributing factors

My Gran is in hospital and I'm too chicken to go see her.

I have fever, I think. It's very cold (like 7* out) and I am wearing a t-shirt and feeling uncomfortably warm.

My experiments aren't working.

I feel isolated in lab because no-one is responsible for me. Therefore, I fuck up because I'm too proud to ask for help.

I thought I might be pregnant.

Also, ironically, the shame of breaking down at work.

How do I fix this? I need to at least seem competent/not crazy at work.

Primal screaming online, the rationale.

I live in a crowded apartment block and am pursuing a PhD in a crowded (ie underfunded) lab. Today I broke down repeatedly at work and I don't know why. I need to express emotion someplace where neither my career nor my social life will be threatened by said expression.

Trusty internet, do not fail me!

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *sobs*

That actually worked. Fuck!